4/14/2005 11:43:00 AM|||Andy|||
In old cartoons there were always villains. The Smurfs had Gargamel, He-man had Skeletor, GI Joe had Cobra (with the appropriately named leader of Cobra, Cobra Commander), and the Transformers had the Decepticons (surprisingly I have no idea who the Go-bots fought...actually this isn't surprsing at all. I never watched the Gobots, they suck).


(The terrifying Cobra Commander with his right-hand man Destro)


The typical objectives of any given villain usually include at least some,if not all, of the following:

1)Seeking world domination
2)Total annihilation of the "Good guy" (but general apathy for the public at large)
3)Wealth and Riches

The villains become obsessed with these evil aspirations and extort the resources of themselves and their underlings in order to achieve their goals. Yet time and again in adventure after adventure despite their very best efforts, the bad guys fail. The giant laser wasn't giant enough, the clever trap wasn't clever enough, the evil subordinates had some good in them afterall - the list of miscarried plots and schemes is constantly updating, ever-annexed by the newest failure.

What I don't understand is the language these so-called "evil super villains" use. Their insults are weak at best. Here is an excerpt from the GI Joe movie in which Serpentor is confronted by Hawk:

SERPENTOR
You, young one. You nearly thwarted my destiny!

Serpentor takes one of his throwing snakes but is stopped by Duke.


FALCON
Duke!

It takes little time for Serpentor to overpower Duke this time. Duke lands at Falcon's feet, and Serpentor picks up his serpent again.

SERPENTOR
Die, arrogant earth scum!

Serpentor throws the snake straight at Falcon, but Duke stands up at the last second.



DUKE
NO!

The snake plunges straight into Duke's heart. His eyes go blank, and he falls.

FALCON
Duke?

SERPENTOR
He took the snake meant for your heart, but his sacrifice will be in vain! This I command!



Alright, so what's wrong with this conversation? I mean granted Serpentor is from outer-space, but the guy seems to be fluent enough in English that he would know some better things to call the Joes than "Young one," "arogant earth scum," and could come up with a better parting line than "his sacrifice will be in vain! This I command!" Give me a break. Here is how the conversation SHOULD have gone...

SERPENTOR
Listen up asshole. You're a bitch. A bitch that nearly fucked up my plan! You know what I do to bitches? I throw snakes at their asses!

Serpentor takes one of his throwing snakes but is stopped by Duke.


FALCON
Holy shit.

It takes little time for Serpentor to overpower Duke this time. Duke lands at Falcon's feet, and Serpentor picks up his serpent again.

SERPENTOR
You're dead biatch. Here's one to your dome!

Serpentor throws the snake straight at Falcon, but Duke stands up at the last second.



DUKE
OW FUCK!

The snake plunges straight into Duke's heart. His eyes go blank, and he falls.

FALCON
Holy shit.

SERPENTOR
Looks like your boyfriend saved you this time queer...too bad it ain't mean none shit biatch. By the time these johns is over, I'm gonna 1-8-7 all ya'll! Die motherfuckers!



As brash as my interpretation of the actual dialouge might be, its probably far more truthful. Let's face it. These guys are all soldiers, and one of them is like supreme leader of all the bad guys in the world. There's no way he wouldn't use bad language. Let's look at a another example, this one from He-man:


SKELETOR
Now, Randor, perhaps I can make my point a little
more forcefully...
(a muffled THUD from one of the doors)
What was that?

The stone blocking the third door suddenly breaks into fragments.
He-Man has punched it away; he now examines his fist in
surprise.



HE-MAN
Hmmm... didn't break any fingers...

SKELETOR
(impressed as much as surprised)
Who is this musclebound he-man?

He-Man is at a loss for an answer, and says nothing.

MARLENA
I don't know - but I think he's on our side.

SKELETOR
Beastman! Merman! Take care of them!


Come ON Skeletor! You've got to be kidding me. You are a FUCKING SKELETON. You have a Beastman as a henchman. Is there some reason you're keeping your dialouge so PC? This is how I would've handled the situation, given a skeleton head and terrifying purply robes...


SKELETOR
Alright Randor, you're about to get beat - Skeletor style.
(a muffled THUD from one of the doors)
What the fuck?

The stone blocking the third door suddenly breaks into fragments.
He-Man has punched it away; he now examines his fist in
surprise.



HE-MAN
I'm such a bad-ass, who wants to have a little?

SKELETOR
(impressed as much as surprised)
Who the fuck are you, and why did you break my fucking door...and by the way Sally, nice briefs.

He-Man is at a loss for an answer, and says nothing.

MARLENA
Holy Shit.

SKELETOR
Beastman! Merman! Pull their eyes out of their assholes, NOW!


From here on out I ask that super-villains everywhere start learning the four-letter words that today's youth have embraced with tender respect. Be creative. Its always nice to hear a villain really go to town on a super-hero. No one likes an evil, maniacal leader that tells people to "buzz-off" or that "Soon revenge will be mine." They want someone they can really hate. Someone who makes them squirm with sickness or gag with delight. I want to start seeing that bit of extra effort from all our super-villain friends.
|||111349344761151078|||Villains4/16/2005 03:02:00 PM|||Blogger XXX JD|||As sad as it is, after reading this entry I watched my own personal copy of GI Joe: The Movie. I feel your edited script would be far more entertaining; however, the FCC being the censoring bastards they are would probably not have allowed this movie to show on public TV with this script.
Serpentor was perhaps the most engenious character ever, he scared even the bad guys and was also incredibly stupid when it comes to common sense matters. The Cobra Commander/Serpentor interactions are classic and were probably ripped from some unknown Tolstoy nove.