4/07/2005 10:16:00 AM|||Andy|||
I'm sitting here at work, perfecting sloth. I've finished my book, I'm in between homework assignments, and I've run out of things to do in general...it is 8:42am. It's time to get fired up about something.

Intelligence. I never make any claims about being a genius. I do not know a lot about everything, in fact I only know a lot about very few things. I consider my strength to be creating rather than absorbing and analyzing. However the few things I do know seemingly only 98 percent of the people in Miami know as well. My comrads in battling stupidity include most of my colleagues at school, and some of the law students I've met (though certainly not all of them).

It seems to me that if it is 8:45am and your occupational attire include a CB, you not have it on the highest volume setting. Despite the fact you may have gotten up at 6 and 8 really isn't that early to you, it is important to understand the concept of courtesy. Not everyone wants to hear broken, cacophonous English blared into their eardrum this early in the morning. Time to sound off about some other things I dislike.

Suffice it to say that driving in Miami is akin to killing a puppy; you don't want to do it at all if you can avoid it, but sometimes you have to and it never gets more pleasant. In Miami the rules of traffic govern as follows:

If you need to get somewhere quickly, you will be thwarted in one of the following 4 ways -
a) You will be on a major road in the city...that is only one lane. The city is laid out like a toddler's dirty diaper. There is usually only one or two ways to get where you're going, and despite the road being overpopulated, it remains single file.
b) You will be cruising nicely along a highway with many lanes, yet for some reason there will be several small, usually hatchback, cars going about half your rate of speed. They will constantly change lanes and cut you off, not using their turn signal, and the people driving them will have very confused looks on their faces (as if to say, "que?").
c) It will be rush hour (note: rush hour includes the hours from 2:30pm until 9pm - city government is considering changing the name "rush hour" to "the idiocy highway patrol's daily honors parade" to eliminate negative connotation).
d) It will be rush hour, but the traffic won't be too bad...or at least it shouldn't be, but unfortunately the louts at the Florida Department of Transportation (who may or may not be hampsters) have decided that 5pm is a great time to do road construction. (note: if people are required to move to a single lane, they will drive as fast as possible down the one that eventually merges until they can't possibly go any further. Then they'll put on their turn signal, and some idiot will let them in, essentially cutting in front of at least 50 cars).

Miami is one of the least educated cities in the country, but after you drive here you pretty much realize that it is THE least educated. I've driven in DC on the beltway, LA during rush hour, NYC any time of the day, and all of these places were cake compared to Miami. It seems to get a license in the city you need only two requirements - a passion for accidents, and the intelligence of a goat.

I hear ya Sammy

Yardwork is the next topic I'll be covering, and while most of you probably don't have to deal with this it drives me crazy every morning and afternoon. You see, I bike to school and when you ride your bike two things happen: you breathe a little heavier, and you lose all respect as a human being. In Coral Gables there are a great number of people who look as though they are wealthy (please read "The Millionaire Next Door" to understand this statement). Each morning and afternoon there are any number of lawn service companies, typically run out of a van or truck, doing any number of yard-work related tasks. Keeping your yard nice is great. It makes the neighborhood look awesome I suppose...but what about the leaf blower? Who created this thing?

(Raul "the leaf" Blauer, inventor of the leaf blower)

Leaf blowers are the worst idea ever. I'm glad its easier to move leaves with it, really. What's terrible is these things blast not just the leaves; any minute particle of dust, dander, or pollen is launched into the air, typically directly into my eyes, ears and mouth as I pass on my bike. What's better is that since this dirt comes directly from the streets and yards I'm sure there are myriads of germs getting the ride of their life - from the ground into my healthy host body.
Do the lawn service guys ever blow in the opposite direction or move in the slightest when I come by on my bike? You guessed it! They just blast the crap right in my face. Sometimes I swerve out of the way of the dust...the problem is there is usually a car for me to veer into - I'd rather be sick than dead...but surprisingly I'd rather be dead than drive in Miami (depending on the ultimate destination).

So for all of you who drive slowly and stupidly, or are uneducated about common courtesy or just uneducated in general -

Good luck with life. Allow me to be the first to say adieu: It is going to be a long and difficult struggle for you.
|||111288341923527669|||Worst City Ever.