12/28/2005 11:37:00 AM|||Andy|||It never occurred to me during all my time and effort searching for a job that I could make a career out of wandering; drifting if you will. But recently this occupation has fascinated me and so I have decided to take some steps down a new career path.
I guess I will have to grow a beard. Though typically drifter beards aren't huge like Santa Clause they are always substantial enough to appear unshaven for at least a few weeks. Hopefully I'll get some sort of weird disease so my beard ends up patchy, or maybe I can get an animal to create a nest in it. The biggest key will be to keep my face constantly smudged with dirt. I don't want to overdo it but a face that is grimy and has twigs and stuff in the beard would be ideal.
Hitch hiking is going to have to become a central focus in my life too. That'll be kind of nice though. I won't have to worry about MTA strikes or buying metro cards. People are always willing to pick-up a grungy dude with his thumb out, that's my experience. I'd also get to ride in lots of different types of cars and make people feel uncomfortable. Am I dangerous? Am I safe? Oh you poor schlub, if only you knew. For this reason I would constantly have one of those hand-shake shocker things on my right hand.
Maybe I'll get a parrot too...I know they're not typically part of the attire but it seems right. Plus that'll be a good way to attract my victims.
"Hey buddy, come check out my parrot!" *stab* "loser."
Then I could teach the parrot to eat humans. That'd be pretty cool. I wouldn't have to dispose of the bodies...though I guess my parrot would be pretty fat. I don't know how cool it is to have a fat parrot.
This parrot looks kinda lazy too. I wouldn't want a fat parrot to also be lazy. That just doesn't seem right to me, a real-life drifter whose companion is a parrot with high cholesterol and diabetes.
The coolest part about being a drifter isn't the fowl though, it's the weaponry. I imagine I'd have a huge Rambo-type knife. This is basically just a large serrated blade with holes in it. I don't know what the holes are for, maybe blowing bubbles. Not that I'd be in the bubble-blowing mood much as a drifter, but I guess blowing bubbles isn't so bad. Kind of relaxing. Although I'm not sure where I'd keep the solution. I could just use the blood dripping from my prey's entrails. That'd be kind of cool. And still tough. That's what every drifter needs, a tough way to blow bubbles.
You'll notice this knife is fairly bad-ass. It's a good thing that I would never have enough money to afford a plane ticket. I'm sure this knife would cause some trouble...trouble that ended with the slaughter of hundreds of innocent people and me blowing bubbles.
I'll probably get a gun as well though, you know, just in case I'm not within stabbing range. It wouldn't be anything fancy and I certainly wouldn't have a holster for it. I'd just jam it down the front of my pants or roll it up in some rags and keep it in my bag. That last one would probably work out best. That way I could endear myself to people and then one day when lovingly caring for my laundry...
Housewife: I love caring for our Drifter's laundry. Especially since my husband is dead. Here's a pile of tattered rags in the bottom of his old military C-bag. I'll just get these ready for wash--*gasp*
Then she'd yell at me for endangering her and her son and I'd apologize but explain to her I'd fallen in love with her and would like to be her sons new daddy. Then she'd get all excited and happy and then I'd shoot her. If you pick up a drifter, don't go through their personal belongings you are very likely to get shot if you do. You know the old saying: Curiosity made you find the Drifter's gun and in turn he shot you with it.
My attire would be strictly real messed up jeans (like the ones people pay $300 for, only mine would actually be dirty and messed up and probably from a salvation army), a trench coat, also very dirty, and a t-shirt that just said "bad-ass" also torn and dirty. In my bag I'd keep food, my gun wrapped in rags, some rope, and birdseed for my parrot. I also may keep an eye-patch in there in case I lose an eye. I think the only difference between a Drifter and a Pirate anway is that one is on the ocean and the other one has a parrot.
If you see me wandering around with my thumb out, you know what to do. Pull on over! You just might be the person that reforms me and discovers that I'm really a beautiful person inside...but most likely you'll end up in my fat lazy parrot's belly. Not that my belly is that of a fat lazy parrot, but my actual parrot, in his belly.|||113580786217368088|||Occupation: Drifter6/22/2006 05:41:00 PM||| |||The purpose of holes in the blade of a knife is to reduce drag on the surface. Drag reduction makes it easier to insert and withdraw the knife.