Instead I'd just like to express my new intense love of Whole Foods brand Lime Bars. On my travels back home for New Year's with two of my long time friends was when I first encountered them. We had stopped at Craig's place to pick him up and get his gear for the gig he was playing and he offered me a lime bar. I'd never had one. Little did I know I was in for a life altering taste-explosion.
Honestly I can't think of anything that tastes as good as a Whole Foods lime bar. Holy crap. I guess maybe if Jesus started making frozen treats they'd be pretty good but it'd still be close. Anyway, when I got back to New York I decided to look for the nearest Whole Foods market so I could get some delicious lime bars. Unfortunately in my immediate vicinity there are none. But there is a church right next door so maybe Jesus will open a popsicle stand outside of it.
Jesus: Popsicles! Get your popsicles here!If I'm waiting for the second coming though, I may be in trouble when at 3am I wake up hot and scurvy-ridden. Luckily there is a Whole Foods about 3 blocks from work. At least I can keep a fresh supply in the mini-fridge at the office. It's gonna be like cigarettes. I'll have to take a break every 5 minutes to go eat a lime bar outside. I'm not sure why I'd have to go outside. Probably cause some hippy would be allergic to the citrus in the lime bar and then waste lots of tax-payer time and money getting a bill passed through congress. Too bad he couldn't just take a cue from the extreme right and persecute me for my problems and proclaim him/herself righteous.
Man: Jesus!
Jesus: What?
Man: What? Oh, right. It's cold out here. No one is gonna buy posicles!
Jesus: I'll bet you 50 cents someone does...
Man: You're on! Man what a sucker!
(Angelic Music plays, someone buys the Lord's Lime Bar)
Jesus: Who's the sucker now? Pay up fool!
Man: Oh Jesus!
(Freeze-frame, cheesy music ensues)
If you have a Whole Foods near you and you have access to lime bars, I highly recommend them. Here in Manhattan it's $2.69 for four lime bars. I would pay 100 times that much for the drippings from a hobo's chin after he's eaten one.
