6/21/2006 04:11:00 PM|||Andy|||
Lately during my roamings of the streets here in the big city I've been noticing a trend. A really disturbing trend...actually two disturbing trends, but one is a bit more age old.

First things first - the age old. Fat women (typically hispanic or african american) wearing really tight clothing. I just don't get it. Some of these people just have rolls and rolls spilling out over their waist bands, and topping their fupas like an extra layer on a wedding cake. It's just gross.

But anyway, now its even worse. All of sudden these ladies have gotten shirts with these idiotic sayings on them - and now they're buying them for their equally obese children!! Here are some of the more hilarious ones I've come across:

1) Daddy's little princess - Then I guess that makes daddy the King...of Burgers?
2) There's this kind that is just a list of adjectives, mostly positive but some say things like "picky" or "spoiled." Right. No I get it. You're picky - you only eat things with an entire stick of butter in it, and you're spoiled by the Colonel's latest chicken recipe.
3) He Loves Me, I love his friend - Wow. I guess his friend is either a giant french fry or or some sort of walking, talking milkshake.

I would really love it some company started making shirts that said:

1) I'm a big fatso
2) I was always picked last
3) Steal from me, I can't outrun anything!

I'm guessing that skinny and in-shape people would wear these but it's worth a shot.
|||115092236772195476|||Daddy's Little Fat Princess6/21/2006 05:43:00 PM|||Blogger Raincouver|||Ouch! That's a little harsh on them fatties... even those mommas need some love. I bet there's a bunch of skinny guys (albeit hit with the ugly stick) just waiting to share a milkshake or two with these babes.

On the other extreme, there's the ultraskinny women that just go too far. Vancouver is one of the fittest places in North America (we have almost as many gyms as we do Starbucks). It can go too far.6/22/2006 05:34:00 PM|||Blogger SuperBee|||Oh, C'mon, Andy! We had those shirts in Miami! Remember when we would go on our little Jaunts to the Mall of The [No] America[n]s and skip down the promenade throwing our hands up in time to the beat of the thumping Bachata music, and dancing to the strobe lights that the stores use to lure in the stupid? And remember all the shirts we'd see on fat, sticky little girls, and their fat, sticky mothers saying, "Princesa!" or "Hecha perfecta en Hialeah!" or "Duena de tu culo!" or "Si, yo puedo, porque soy alumni de Lourdes!"

And remember how we'd laugh? I miss those days.

Mazel Tov on getting into Gawker. I guess someone else thinks you're funny now too. Not me, though. I don't think anything's funny. Not since...the accident.6/22/2006 05:42:00 PM|||Blogger Gigi|||The ladies must love ya, darlin'. You're quite the gent...

No, really - I'm being serious.6/22/2006 05:49:00 PM|||Blogger laurengl|||omg commenting on fat people is MEAN! but commenting on bad parenting is totally PC these days. go gawker for recognizing your talent and keen eye for detail in this fine and classy city.6/22/2006 06:03:00 PM|||Blogger team gingerbread|||So true, or they'll wear shirts proclaiming how easy they are...uh, yeah we get it, the toll is 2 or 3 Mars bars, or supersize fries, obvs6/22/2006 06:15:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||I have seen caucasian women dressed
just like that.You should not generalize like that.6/22/2006 06:20:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||I assume that you are shallow, racist, and a woman-hater because you're young, stupid, and don't know any better. Try growing up and finding the humanity in people.6/22/2006 06:32:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||Yeah - because fat people don't deserve to be comfortable or dress the way they want to. They should purely take into consideration your poor eyes having to look at them while they walk on street. In fact - why are fat people even allowed to share the same STREET as others? They're SO TERRIBLE to look at, in their tight clothing that dares to have (gasp) words on it... shouldn't they just stay underground?6/22/2006 06:42:00 PM|||Anonymous raincoaster|||Tight clothing isn't comfortable. I'm not fat, and I can say that categorically. Tight clothing is sweatmaking and annoying.

And as a Conde Nasty once said, lycra is a privilege, not a right. It's fine to look at people and say "that looks ugly" when it does. Tight clothes on really fat people are ugly. Bare arms, when your elbow is the widest part of your arm, is ugly too. It's fair to say so.6/22/2006 06:54:00 PM|||Anonymous a-fee|||honey,

for every one of them phattie mamas you see on the street, there is a man at her house that loves to get in those boobies and see that fat ass shake...take a second look - you know she's bold and beautiful and confident to wear that shirt. and her man loves it. betcha thousand bucks.

oh yeah.6/22/2006 07:35:00 PM|||Blogger Jessica|||This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/22/2006 07:37:00 PM|||Blogger Jessica|||Well I can tell you a few things. One, I always knew this guy was a misogynist and am glad anonymous finally pointed it out to everyone. Two, he definitely hates fat people too. I mean when we dated all we did was laugh at fat people and kick puppies. Good times.6/22/2006 07:39:00 PM|||Blogger Andy|||Raincouver - Yeah, the question is would you rather date a really fat chick or a really skinny one?

Nah - I don't know what any of those phrases mean. Good old mall of america. And thanks, I read your comment and said "I got into gawker?

Gigi - Sarcasm is for nerds. You should've called me a racist so you could've been my first hater.

Larengl - Mean...but funny.

Team Gingerbread - Ba-zing!

Anon 1 - My first hater! Too bad you couldn't be as assuming and hyper-sensitive as anon 2 (she even said she assumed! Classy). (alternate response: I know, I'll send you my next post before I put it up so you can check it for generalizations)

Anon 2 - A little slow, type faster next time and you can be number 1! (alternate response: Oooh! Ya got me! Stay tuned when I change my blog address to the KKKingofspills.blogspot.com)

Anon 3 - You're the slowest yet but you wrote the most. I'll give you a tie with number 2. (alternate post: wow, you're mean. Why would you ever say those things?)

Raincoaster - Thanks for the backup.

A-fee - I absolutely know that. And it IS good to be confident for sure...of course it's also good to be at a low risk for heart disease.6/22/2006 08:09:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||Personally, I think the next big tee should be, "Fuck Fat." The meaning could go either way. Think about it.

Thanks for the blog.6/22/2006 08:25:00 PM|||Anonymous Erica|||Wow, THIS made it to Gawker? I've heard mysogynists say this kind of thing so many times before, and it sure ain't as funny as their usual stuff. As for raincoaster, yeah, sure, tell people on the street you think they're ugly. You won't make any friends (um, the hot women will know you're an ass too).6/22/2006 09:18:00 PM|||Blogger SuperBee|||::Sigh:: Andy... who are these people? So many angry fatties breathing loudly and jiggling violently.

For the record, fatties: No. You don't deserve to be comfortable. You're fat and icky. Instead of being fat and proud, (and there is nothing prideful about being obese - it's a health condition! There's no such thing as "DIABETIC AND PROUD!" Or "GANGRENOUS AND PROUD!") you should drape yourselves with many colorful layers of chiffon (but with an under-layer of muslin, to absorb all your icky fatty sweat) so that your shapeless (and by virtue thereof, inoffensive) form is a veritable rainbow of bright tropical colors. And you should hand out candy canes, lollipops and balloons, and have sad clown tears painted on your faces. And it wouldn't hurt if you had a little organ and a monkey that danced in front of you and begged for pennies and cigar nubs.

Anyway, that's the only way you should walk down the street. Head held high, wax-crayon tears melting and running down your moist, sweat-drenched faces in the heat of the afternoon sun, looking like a Gay Pride float collided with Mrs. Irving Schulteiss' best Aloha Deck and Formal Dinner Dress from her 1977 cruise on "The Princess."

I don't walk down the street wearing boy-shorts and a knotted t-shirt. Oh, sure, it would be comfortable in the hot-hot Miami heat, but I'm a hairy man, and I know others wouldn't want to look at my lush treasure trail. No one wants to look at your FUPA d/b/a your hideaway cookie bin.

Although - Jessica -- I think I might be able to pull off the boyshort/knotted T look... right? Maybe? Um...liiiiike....

Oh, and Andy, before this becomes a blog post of my own, my T-Shirts said, in order:

1) Princess.
2) Made in Hialeah! (Although it should have been "Hecha en Cuba, crecida en Hialeah" (Made in Cuba, raised in Hialeah.")
3) Owner (or landlord) of your ASS!
and finally
4) Yeah I can, I'm a[n Our Lady of] Lourdes Academy Alumni!6/22/2006 09:30:00 PM|||Blogger Andy|||Jessica - I knew you never liked me.

Anon - Beautiful!

Erica - I totally agree this isn't a solid post. Maybe people should read your blo...oh, oh wait. You're not even on Gawker with a crappy post.

Nah - Wow.6/22/2006 09:50:00 PM|||Anonymous Erica|||Ha, you got me, Andy! I don't have a blog OR a crappy post on Gawker. Time for me to turn in my nerd card.

Look, if you're going to post this kind of thing for all the world to see, you can't be offended when you get a few gentle critiques, can you? Really?6/22/2006 10:06:00 PM|||Blogger Andy|||I'm not offended at all kid. I said myself it's subpar. Go read Jack. Fucking. Bauer. That's one of my favorites. Or find the one about Jesus' Limebars. If you hate those you'll have to go elsewhere for your entertainment.6/23/2006 12:56:00 AM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||no wonder you're home blogging, instead of out, dating.6/23/2006 02:23:00 AM|||Blogger Andy|||Ba-zing commentor who's comment was entered at 12:56 AM. Nice try though.6/23/2006 02:43:00 AM|||Anonymous Lippy|||"Landlord of your ass"? I am renting my own sphincter?
I cannot sleep worrying about this.6/23/2006 09:32:00 AM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||What I'm still trying to figure out is how, according to the author, the very large and overweight women who wear ill fitting clothes and tshirts with stupidly cutesy sayings are "just gross", but there's no mention of the scores of incredibly overweight men who wear their clothes too tight. So apparently, it's perfectly fine for obese men to wear shirts showing their hairy, sweaty man-teats, but overweight women are not allowed to wear anything other than a tent or better yet, stay home.

Wow.6/23/2006 09:44:00 AM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||wow, totally clever and original to make fun of fat people.i suppose it's easy to do when you know how much more complicated it would be for the fat people to retort with an insult that goes beyond mysogynist douche bag. hitting below the belt is awesome, right?6/23/2006 10:35:00 AM|||Blogger What'sHerFace|||Perhaps large women wear their clothes tight because it's difficult to find inexpensive large clothing? I'm willing to bet most women doing their shopping at stores selling slogan t-shirts don't have a ton of money to spend on specialty stores that make clothes for their bodies. The next time you're in a cheap chain, look at the size of an XL (or L, often the largest size available) and then start giving advice about what women should wear.

"Daddy's Little Princess" shirts are a bad trend, agreed. But on everyone.6/23/2006 11:17:00 AM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||The funniest part about this all (besides the fact that Gawker would bother to mention it; they've lost some points) is your relentless need to "get back at" (in true pussy fashion) those with negative comments. You made a statement. Own it. Let the naysayers say nay. Otherwise, you look stupid, peeking from behind your fat mama's fat ass to say "na ni na ni boo boo."6/23/2006 11:18:00 AM|||Blogger Laurel|||i know a lot of people are hating on this post but i thought it was funny...besides, i think you weren't necessarily making fun of fat people..you were making fun of fat people who dress poorly...which is like two strikes against them in new york...6/23/2006 11:49:00 AM|||Blogger Andy|||Lippy - Xanax works wonders.

Anon 4 - You're STILL trying to figure it out? Man you are slow. I'm a misogynist. Didn't you read all the hate? Can't you judge me by reading a less than 500 word blog like everyone else? Sheesh.

Anon 5 - At least I can spell. And plus you can't hit fat people below the belt. Their fupas are a built-in defense mechanism.

What'sher - This comment is far to rational for my ridiculous blog. You need to jump to more conclusions about my personality and value system.

Anon 6 - You're right. I should own up to it...kind of like you own up to your statement...made...anonymously...Plus zingin' people is half the fun of having a blog (the other half is the free cupcakes...yeah, that's right).

Laurel - Thanks - like I said before I didn't even think it was that funny, but I'm glad you like it.6/23/2006 12:33:00 PM|||Blogger ExAfrica|||Hee hee hee. I love a good argument.

Now remember class:

Fat is a choice.6/23/2006 02:39:00 PM|||Anonymous Waxman|||Hey, how many years ago was it that I pointed out that you hated fat people? And you denied it vehemently. But now the whole world knows. I don't think I've ever been prouder of a friend. For real.6/23/2006 03:52:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||I also hate fat people. They take up more room!!! It's not fair! One big reason I hate them is that they hate me first for being thin. They comment as I eat a cookie, "Oh she'll gain an ounce from that!" or the classic, "I hate you. You're so skinny." More like hate yourself for being fat. You don't hate me. You want to be like me but are too lazy. Go Andy. Only in this country would fat people have rights.

- Ku

www.funnyku.com6/23/2006 05:23:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||i love andy!

haha i just wanted to post a comment since you got me through the almost final 10 minutes of my work day. nice.6/23/2006 05:37:00 PM|||Anonymous SJG|||Andy, what I find the most hilarious about people leaving you comments "hating on you" is that these people linked to your blog through gawker. GAWKER!!! come on people, don't judge, you read GAWKER, it's not the most PC, friendly, unshallow reading material out there. It's not like this was linked on Salon.com or The New Yorker.

geesh, some people need to loosen up.6/23/2006 07:27:00 PM|||Anonymous Mel|||Andy, totally agree with the post. I wish you would have added a part about fat people on the subway. Theres nothing worse than a fattie ploping down on/next to you on an already overcrowded train to add to the joy of public transportation.7/05/2006 09:22:00 AM|||Blogger Spider63||| Fat kids are sick and need help to fight obesity. Obesity kills!8/10/2006 05:53:00 PM|||Anonymous Anonymous|||As a fellow NYr that works in the truly hellish are of the Kitchen known as the fashion district...I TOTALLY agree with all of your posts. I see a lot more juggly tourist flesh hermetically sealed in a poly-lycra-cotton blend transparent white t-shirts than any person should have to. Why do tourists even continue to visit this part of town? Don’t they know how incredibly sucky it is???