http://www.andylykens.com/blog
For more blogging goodness.|||4454120018002656484|||Last Post
"said" Woman|||What do I call this new blog on my blogroll? king of spills? Well, at least i think I'm funny? Andylykens? Just curious...I like to get the blogroll on point. Did I just use the term, "on point"? Yes, yes I did. Am I being a smartypants by asking you what to title your blog? No, no I'm not
Thank you for being so pointy and having so many bristles. I would like to use you as something to keep business cards separated on my desk. I also would like to note that I have not accidentally run over a porcupine in my car. Please don't poke me for others' wanton and rampant driving. Your name is funny!
I wonder if you're good at blowing up balloons. Probably not! I'll bet you'd try to help but end up popping more than your fair share.
Some people think you can throw your quills, but they're wrong! It's just a rumor! Can you use your quills to write if you dip them in ink? I bet that's handy when it comes to writing letters. Letters like this one.
Does the postman get hurt when he tries to get your envelope from you? I bet he does. But he probably understands. Maybe next time you can just leave it on the ground and walk away, rather than trying to hand it to him. Because I know you want to be cordial, but it would save him hundreds of dollars in pricey bandage fees.
Have a good day,
Andy
p.s. Wikipedia says you're slow, but you'll always be first in the race for my heart.|||5761162285781366683|||Dear The Porcupine
dmbmeg|||i prefer hedgehogs. they curl up into little balls. they are so cute. SuperBee|||I prefer cock. But that's just me.
My time in Salt Lake City has been a pretty enjoyable one except for one thing - snoring. You see, I'm a fairly light fall-asleeper. That is if I'm awake and there isn't some ambient buzz or hum going on, I can't fall asleep. Dead quiet is no good.
Unfortunately for this trip, my company didn't have the foresight to book our hotels more than a month in advance so I am having to share a room with my co-worker...who snores. It sounds like he's at the national flatulence convention giving a speech on donkey farts which he emulates with his sinus cavity.
I hate snorers.
I hate snorers because there is literally nothing they can do. Though I think most causes of snoring have something to do with being overweight, there is no instant fix. If they sleep on their side they always end up turning on their back. Ear plugs don't help for me. There is nothing circadian or rhythmically consistent with the snore. The volume, the phrasing, the timbre, it's different and differently jarring with every elephantastic inhalation.
Two nights ago the boss got drunk. And smoked several cigars. We hit the sack around 1, I woke up at 3, tried to get back to sleep until about 4 - then gave up and grabbed my computer to work on my presentation due in a couple days.
But what can a snorer do? Say they're sorry? They're not sorry. Being exhausted and not being allowed to go to sleep is nothing you can apologize for. Can they lose 50 lbs over night? No. The bottom line is, they can't be empathatic at all because they have no idea what it's like to put up with it. In my experience, people who snore have no problems sleeping in a room with others that snore.
Well screw you jerks, every single one. I'm sick of having to deal with other people's problems because they refuse to lose weight. If you snore, hit the damn treadmill already - or by a breathe-right strip for God's sake.|||6863764935555247147|||Snorers
SuperBee|||I snore. Like a freight train. But I'm not a fatty. I also only snore when I'm comfortable with people. If I'm not totally comfortable, I don't snore - it's like I sleep lighter knowing that I may snore and I don't want to. And yeah, I'm a little embarassed...but I'm never sorry!
I can't wait to sleep over at your place. I'll get all comfortable with you, and then we'll spoon and I'll snore like a chainsaw in your ear.
dmbmeg|||andy-there is so much hate in your words it is scary.
also, people snore from a deviated septum occasionally. the only cure for that is a nose job.
dmbmeg|||This comment has been removed by the author. Andy|||Bee - That is the right direction to go for murder. I was this close to killing my boss this past week.Meg - Deviated shmeeviated. Go get the nose job then.
dmbmeg|||i'll show you deviated septum!wait, i'm not really sure what that means. Nevermind.
Leslie|||you think I'm fat?? you can't hate ALL snorers.
I know what you're thinking - "why do I continually read this blog? It's terrible!" But give me a chance. You see, my snobdom is completely justified and this is largely due to the following establishments:
1. Best Buy
2. Record labels
3. Circuit City
4. Radio Shack
5. Cable Companies
6. Internet service providers
7. Any sort of "support" line.
Anytime I walk into a Best Buy I automatically know that no one in that store can possibly help me find what I'm looking for. Ever. I once made the mistake of asking someone years ago:
Andy: Hi, I'm looking for a firewire cable that's mini on one end, and then the regular size on the other.
Best Buy Employee: Firewire?
Andy: ...yeah, you know, looks like a big USB connection kind of.
BBE: Our USB cables are-
Andy: No. It LOOKS like a USB cable. It is NOT a USB cable.
BBE: Oh, yeah, I know what that is, follow me...
I follow the guy to some shelves where he promptly removes a USB cable from a hook and hands it to me. I look at him in utter amazement at his stupidity.
Andy: This is a USB cable.
BBE: Yeah, I think that's what you want.
Andy: ...no. FIREWIRE. It's also called IEE1394.
BBE: I don't think that even exists, and if it does, we don't have it.
Flabberghasted I turn and leave him to his USB-cable wonderland of incredible idiocy, where Captain Moron presides over the residents of Simpletown and fends off knowledge and comprehension skills and keeps everyone at a 1st-grade reading level.
5 minutes later I find the exact cable I need and leave.
This happens all the time. I can't count the number of times I've walked into one of the above establishments and overheard the salespeople and customer service people selling the entirely wrong thing to people because they have no idea what they're talking about. I always intervene. The salesperson ALWAYS insists they're right and naturally the customer believes them over me (and who wouldn't? That polo shirt and wrinkled khaki pants just shriek "I'm a sophisticated professional.") and they buy the wrong thing.
I just shake my head and think "yeah, I'm real sure Vanilla Ice here knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't spend 6 hours a day smoking weed and polishing his bling, dreaming of the day he can put huge rims and an even huger spoiler on the back of his used Honda Civic and blast dance music or reggaeton from his car, tripping on E, and dancing with glowsticks."
Don't even get me started on cable companies and their ridiculous "customer support" lines. I love that the first question they ask is "did you try turning off your computer and turning it back on?"
HEY JERK. YES. EVERYONE TRIES THAT. ITS THE FIRST THING WE DO.
For some reason they never believe me either. "Well, can you do it again for me now?" I usually say no and tell them to skip to the more complex steps. They typically get lost and confused after I tell them everything I've tried and just end up telling me they "need to go do some research" and put me on hold for 20 minutes while they put the phone down and try to plug up the steam coming from their brains for having participated in a conversation with someone who's problem can't be solved by plugging something in or unplugging something that shouldn't be plugged in.
To end on a positive note, I would like to give major props to Cingular. Despite my hatred of their recently-lousy phone selection, their customer service is stellar. If someone doesn't know how to solve my problem, they connect me to someone who does. No matter how complex my questions get, their tech-guys always know the answer. It's great.
Don't even get me started on the music/record labels thing.
Labels: best buy, customer service, idiots
|||1228185974433225897|||Idiots dmbmeg|||ok 1) i think you should work at best buy only cause i think it would be funny, and i could get discounts.
2)my krzr is awesome, and I actually have many pictures of you playing with my krzr and drooling at it's awesomeness. cingular is for losers.
3) i totally hear you on the cable companies. can we add linksys to this post as well? i hate them. i hate them bad.
SuperBee|||I like to imagine Andy working in a Best Buy. He'd become just like Jimmy Fallon the "Tech Support" guy. But then he'd go home to his lonely studio apartment, and fall asleep crying into his takeout Chinese Food, and wishing that someone out there loved him...
Hi-Larious.
Leslie|||I understand your pain.Yesterday I went to Comp USA to purchase a NAS device, commonly known as Network Attached Storage.
Two people said they didn't carry "those".
I explained what a NAS box does.
They took me to a USB/FW external drive.
No.
P.S. I love Cingular, too.
ElRanito|||Actually, speaking as someone who works in the IT field. You would be extremely surprised how few people actually do try restarting their computer when they have a problem.I don't blame the customer service people who are asking you to do it. You have to realize they don't know they are talking to a tech savvy person who has likely already done the first things they will ask. They think they are talking to the end user, who generally speaking, has no idea what the fuck is going on and no idea where they should start. Even if it is something as simple as restarting their computer or power cycling their modem.
The majority of the people in the world... just don't get it.
jonphiwil|||Great post. I too find it infuriating to deal with these types of people. I have to agree with Elranito, though....given that there are so many complete idiots out there, I think it's understandable that they always start with the "well, try turning it off" speech.
Have a good weekend from the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey!
Labels: tiny skateboarding monkey
|||4460925053532906076|||A special guest.
|||He is getting wicked air! dmbmeg|||that's actually a chimpanzee. chimps are not monkeys! they are APES, just like us. MonkeyPants|||EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!::passes out::
As I'm walking down the sidewalk I see a man stop next to a large truck. I'm not sure if he was the driver or not, probably not, but he had his hand on the side of it like he was going to open it up.
Next thing I know he's firing a stream of urine into the puddle collected from this morning's rainstorm in the gutter on teh street. His back was turned thanks to what I can only imagine was divine intervention:
Pee-er: Man, I have got to go me some pee!
Jesus: Hold on there Full Bladder McGoo.
Pee-er: Yes?
Jesus: You can't pee on the street! At least turn around for Dad's sake! I mean if you want to be seen as an animal I'll treat you as one, how's that?
Pee-er: What do you me--
(Jesus grabs a nearby newspaper, rolls it up, and proceeds to hit the man on the nose with it)
Jesus: BAD! BAD! NO! BAD!
Pee-er: AH! Stop! I have to--
Jesus: (in a calm but enraged voice, between clenched teeth) There *smack* are *smack* establishments *smack* all *smack* around *smack* here *smack* that *smack* have *smack* bathrooms! *smack*
Pee-er: You broke my urethra!
Jesus: What a waste of a perfectly good copy of The Village Voice.
I thought to myself, "What kind of a person does this?" And "Who could possibly raise such an ignorant person?"
I then answered mysef, "A disgusting PCP-addicted jerk who most likely doesn't have a job and steals from babies, grandmas, puppies, and...oh, I don't know, a church. Choose your denomination or religion of choice and feel free to change the word 'church' to 'temple' if necessary. As far as who could raise such a person? Here's a brief list:
1) Franklin
2) A chimp (multiple chimps could probably get the job done right)
3) Multiple chimps under Franklin's supervision.
In disgust I open the door to Starbuck's. Upon entering I notice a line. Great. Oh well, I'll just wait my turn and get my coffee. You know, because that's what
Alright buddy, you just emptied your bladder onto the street and the first thing you can think of is that you can't wait to get your hands on some ice cold water? Then he asks for something else, I couldn't tell what. The next thing I know he's given a capuccino cup with who knows what in it (probably milk or a tiny cup of coffee...or maybe some extra prick-sauce because he was running low) and he takes it and proceeds to dump sugar in it. Next thing you know the barista shouts "ICE WATER" in a tone that says "who the hell comes to Starbucks and asks for ice water?"
I couldn't believe it. This stupid bastard pees in the street, cuts in front of 7 people in line, pays NOTHING, and is out of Starbuck's and on his way with his conspicuous bag of...well who knows (the weird thing about 6th Ave and Broadway in the 20's is that there's lots of people walking around with opaque blue and black bags).
You know who I was most mad at? Myself. I should've shoved that stupid jerk into the truck and said "THERE IS A MCDONALD'S ACROSS THE STREET! I wonder if they have a bathroom?" Or at the very least said something in Starbuck's. I was furious with myself. Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to start standing up to jerks who think they can flaunt very basic societal laws like lines and public urination. I mean do people really want New York to turn into some miserable hell-hole like, oh, I dunno, Miami? I sure hope not.
Here are some other things I'm guessing are on this man's daily agenda:
1. Get all high, laugh at stuff.
2. Poop on street - may or may not follow peeing on street.
3. Camp out for "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. Realize it is on TV. Get all high instead.
4. Find dog. Ask it on a date. Feed it a roofie. 'nuff said.
5. Steal dog's food. Eat half, try and sell other half.
6. Listen to headphones. Wonder where I got these headphones from. Figure out I probably stole them.
7. Jones for some tacos.
8. Cut in line at taco bell. Ask for ice-water. Realize forgot to order tacos - too used to just ordering ice-water.
Anyway, I hope karma catches up to this guy in a bad way. And come next year, watch out if you start blatantly flaunting society's laws. Because I am not standing for it any more.
Labels: Franklin, Jesus, Miami Sucks, Street Pee-er
|||5487434094803889719||| dmbmeg|||we work in such a nice area. makes me proud Studio 302|||Hey Andy, long time reader, first time commenter.I gotta tell you, if you don't like people peeing in the street (among other things) don't go to Asia or parts of Europe. I live in South Korea, and men peeing in the street is absolutely routine here. Someone actually took a crap on the train one time. Utterly unbelievable.
ps John Mayer kicks ass!
That has been my day today.
But then iTunes did something it does only once in-a-rare-enough-while where it plays a bunch of great songs in a row. The streak doesn't seem to stop. It just keeps going. It picks exactly what you need to hear, what you want to hear, what you haven't heard in a while, what you've been missing musically. I love it.
Anyway, here's what it played for me (in order of most recent to least recent):
- Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Harry Connick Jr., Songs I Heard
- You And I Both - Jason Mraz, Waiting For My Rocket To Come
- Gravity - John Mayer, Continuum
- Uquinsil' Ubada - Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Raise Your Spirit Higher
- You Don't Know What Love Is (alternate take 16) - Bill Evans & Tony Bennett, Together Again (Remastered)
- Hip Funk - Grant Green, Complete Quartets With Sonny Clark (Disc 2),
- Straight, No Chaser - Quincy Jones and His Orchestra, Quintessence
- Off the Top (Gravity Wheel) - Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, Little Worlds (Disc 1)
Labels: iTunes, Jesus, Skate-or-Die, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||1267091172864384959|||A good day with iTunes. dmbmeg|||Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Harry Connick Jr., Songs I Heardare you kidding me?
Are "Step in Time" and "The Perfect Nanny" on your playlist as well?
Andy|||I'm guessing you've never heard this CD because, well, you're an idiot. Also because of the comment you left. Why don't you go watch some Real World? I hear Laguna Beach is on right after. Ridic!|||All the more power to you having Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious on there.There are just certain times in life when you need to hear a song like that.
Andy|||see? Jader loves me. dmbmeg|||I hope it makes you happy that you are listening to the same songs as my 5 year old neice. you can borrow my ipod later if you want. i think i have some tunes from The Little Mermaid if you really want to get down in your office.laguna beach rules.
Those of you that know me know that I am not a racist. However, you also know I often times take delight in being disagreeable just because I think it's funny. One of my common practices is to take something I know someone to like or have some allegiance to and automatically declare that I hate it or that there's something wrong with it. In practice this often turns out to be hilarious and entertaining to everyone around me and good times are had by all and everyone likes me and we all become the best of friends and I end up making out with a hot girl. Alright fine, so a lot of people think I'm an asshole, but I'm not - alright I sort of am, but for the sake of humor, not because I actually dislike people...most people...some people...anyway.
A girl I used to work with came into the club I was at with Erik and introduced me to her friend. At this point in the night I was fairly far along on my goal of filling up the dishwashers of the local bars so I don't remember how or why it came up, but I don't remember asking or mentioning it. Moreso, I think it was just stated to me - "This is my friend, her husband is Puerto Rican."
If you'll refer back a paragraph or two, you probably won't be surprised to learn that my response was "I hate Puerto Ricans," followed by crossing my arms and shaking my head in an obviously fake sternness.
Well, that was it. The next thing I know the girl storms off and my ECW comes over and tells me I've greatly insulted her and her husband. "What?" I said.
"You said you hated Puerto Ricans. You should apologize." she replied.
"I'm not apologizing because your friends have no sense of humor," I responded.
I realize it's not funny to say you hate someone. Actually that's not true, I don't realize why you wouldn't find that funny. I tell my friends I hate them all the time. In fact, if you cruise over to Erik's blog, you'll find derogative comments on pratically every post. Don't even get me started on Jay. Anyway, the conversation continued...
"Andy, they have gone through a lot of crap being an inter-racial couple in central Pennsylvania. It's hard for them."
"Okay."
"So are you going to apologize?"
"No."
ECW returned to her position at the bar next to her friend (which, by the way, was only about 15 feet from where myself and Erik stood). Now, maybe I was being a bit insensitive, and maybe Erik was too (he was standing next to me during all of this and overheard everything), but we started to come up with all kinds of ways I could "apologize." And they were hilarious. And we thought so. And so we began just cracking up:
"I'm really sorry...sorry you're Puerto Rican! Because I hate Puerto Ricans! As I said earlier."
"I'm really sorry...that you're a whiny little girl."
"I'm really sorry that you married this awful biatch of a woman."
(in a sensitive tone) "Look, I wanted to come over and apologize. I don't hate Puerto Ricans. I just hate you. And your wife....you're both very, very ugly. So if you have some attractive relatives, don't think I hate them. I misspoke and I feel terrible."
This must've looked pretty bad to the offended seeing as how after anytime we were approached by one of their party, Erik and I burst into uncontrollable laughter just seconds after they resumed their seats.
Anyway, Erik and I had pretty much moved on and our friend who manages the place came over and said "Andy, what did you say?"
"I didn't say anything!"
"He says you called him a 'dirty spic.'"
Erik and Andy commence laughing hysterically.
"All I said was that I hate Puerto Rican people." I then found using this as a defense to being accused of calling someone a 'dirty spic' hilarious for obvious reasons. I then explained to my buddy how it all went down and he said something to the effect of "I knew you wouldn't say that and I told him that."
After a little while I noticed my bladder was full of urine. I decided I'd go to the bathroom since that's typically the remedy for such a dilemma. After I took care of business I walked to the sink. Looking to my left, I noticed my buddy talking to the enraged Puerto Rican guy. At this point I felt bad. Not for saying I hate Puerto Ricans. But for my friend (the bar guy) who had to deal with this whiny girl of a man. Having to put up with idiots gets old fast so as I approached the sink I look at the Puerto Rican guy and say: "Hey man, sorry about that, just jokin' around."
His response?
"I'M NOT EVEN FUCKIN' TALKIN' TO YOU RIGHT NOW!"
"Nice. Okay, see ya later."
See? I tried to do right by him. He really is a whiny little girl. I needlessly apologize to this stupid jerk and he explodes and swears at me. If I would've been wearing a hat, I might've turned it sideways and said "THAT'S IT, YOU WANNA GO?! YOU WANNA GO RIGHT NOW?!" I might've thrown an "esse" in there somewhere to really get him riled up.
On my way out I stopped by the guy's wife and ECW just down the bar from Erik.
"Hey, I just figured I'd apologize before this gets blown out of proportion. You see, I live in a Puerto Rican neighborhood in New York and I doubt I'd be able to set foot there if I actually hated them all. I was just joking around."
Her response was a much nicer one and she was able to accept my apology, rather than swear at me. Though she ended her comment with something a little stupid, at least she tried to make a reasonable argument...she failed, but at least she tried.
"Thank you, I really appreciate that. It's just that we've gone through lots of crap living in this area and being a mixed racial couple. You shouldn't joke about stuff like that. How would you feel if my husband walked in here and called you a stupid white-cracker?"
"...Bad...?"
What I wanted to say was: "I would assume he was joking and would tell him that I hate Puerto Ricans. And if he seemed serious I'd write him off as a stupid asshole, and tell him I hate Puerto Ricans. Because I'm not a small girl...you know, like your husband Sally over there."
(Me, needlessly apologizing...at least she was receptive)
Maybe I don't understand this hyper-sensitive undying allegiance to a country you don't live in just because your parents were born there. Or a country you left behind years ago. Or to the color of your skin. It could just be me. Does that make me racially intolerant? I hope not. I tend to get along with pretty much everyone as long as they're not a stupid asshole - but whether or not you're a stupid asshole has nothing to do with where your passport is issued and if I happen to think you're one, I promise it's not because your skin has a darker hue than my own. It's because I just don't like you as a person.
My hope is that in the future when people hear me say something like "I hate ____ " they know I don't actually hate it. It's called sarcasm. I learned it from Roseanne Barr and the Golden Girls.|||9180017296440657082|||But I don't even have my running shoes!
|||You forgot to mention that before you went to the bathroom, you left the bar, fashioned a Puerto Rican flag, came back, laid it on the ground in front of the guy, then proceeded pee the words "I Hate Puerto Rico" (in Spanish) with your pee on the crudely-fashioned hflag. I think that was what made him mad.
dmbmeg|||so when you say "i hate you, megan", i know you actually mean "megan, i like you. you are a nice girl"....or maybe you really do hate me.and why is no one in that bar? lame.
MonkeyPants|||Oh Andy... ::sigh::
Yeah, maybe you need to work on your idea of hilarity.
amy|||You must really like puppies, kittens and rainbows then. Oh and talking about boys. Leslie|||at which point did you drunk dial me? i wish i'd answered...
This year will only be slightly different as my only good friend to be cool enough to come back to town is Erik.2 Yes I'll be drinking $2 drinks in uncrowded, smoke-filled bars, populated by townies come home to devour turkey and hangout with each other; one of the few times of the year the crews get back together to see how everyone is doing and say hello to the people from high school they never really talked to and then walk away saying "that guy is pretty cool afterall."
I also have a huge reason to be thankful this year. My apartment search yielded a cool apartment containing some cool roommates in a cool area of town for a cool amount of money...is it just me or is it getting chilly in here?
Yes, my roach-infested kitchen and rain-soaked room heed way to a waterproof apartment and pest-free cookery. It'll also be nice that my euro-trash afflicted-I'm-cool-with-it-so-you-should-be-cool-with-it overly-sensitive passive-agressive pot-smoking non-dish-drainer-emptying hippy-roommate will not only no longer annoy me, but she's moving to Japan to boot!3 And her lame, easily-confused over-protective possibly-female over-every-night boyfriend won't be around anymore either4. So a shoutout thanks to the new roommies (who could possibly be reading this right now if they googled me during the roommate search process), you've already improved my life.
So I hope that all of you have a great Thanksgiving too. Go home and get stuffed on stuffing and other Thanksgiving foodstuffs. Take your triptifan-induced naps and burn your eyes out with hours of football all the while enjoying "pass the gravy" and "nice to see you agains" and the "remember when..."'s and all the other great things that come along with killing an overweight bird, cramming celery and stale bread up its ass and toasting to the year's successes. Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.
1Stuff it Jader!
2Stuff it Nolan, Gavin, JB, and Franklin!
3Stuff it old roommate and stuff it Japan! (oooh! The double-stuff!)
4Stuff it, jerk!
Labels: Thanksgiving
|||3927468264813359220|||Stuff This!