As I'm walking down the sidewalk I see a man stop next to a large truck. I'm not sure if he was the driver or not, probably not, but he had his hand on the side of it like he was going to open it up.
Next thing I know he's firing a stream of urine into the puddle collected from this morning's rainstorm in the gutter on teh street. His back was turned thanks to what I can only imagine was divine intervention:
Pee-er: Man, I have got to go me some pee!
Jesus: Hold on there Full Bladder McGoo.
Pee-er: Yes?
Jesus: You can't pee on the street! At least turn around for Dad's sake! I mean if you want to be seen as an animal I'll treat you as one, how's that?
Pee-er: What do you me--
(Jesus grabs a nearby newspaper, rolls it up, and proceeds to hit the man on the nose with it)
Jesus: BAD! BAD! NO! BAD!
Pee-er: AH! Stop! I have to--
Jesus: (in a calm but enraged voice, between clenched teeth) There *smack* are *smack* establishments *smack* all *smack* around *smack* here *smack* that *smack* have *smack* bathrooms! *smack*
Pee-er: You broke my urethra!
Jesus: What a waste of a perfectly good copy of The Village Voice.
I thought to myself, "What kind of a person does this?" And "Who could possibly raise such an ignorant person?"
I then answered mysef, "A disgusting PCP-addicted jerk who most likely doesn't have a job and steals from babies, grandmas, puppies, and...oh, I don't know, a church. Choose your denomination or religion of choice and feel free to change the word 'church' to 'temple' if necessary. As far as who could raise such a person? Here's a brief list:
1) Franklin
2) A chimp (multiple chimps could probably get the job done right)
3) Multiple chimps under Franklin's supervision.
In disgust I open the door to Starbuck's. Upon entering I notice a line. Great. Oh well, I'll just wait my turn and get my coffee. You know, because that's what
Alright buddy, you just emptied your bladder onto the street and the first thing you can think of is that you can't wait to get your hands on some ice cold water? Then he asks for something else, I couldn't tell what. The next thing I know he's given a capuccino cup with who knows what in it (probably milk or a tiny cup of coffee...or maybe some extra prick-sauce because he was running low) and he takes it and proceeds to dump sugar in it. Next thing you know the barista shouts "ICE WATER" in a tone that says "who the hell comes to Starbucks and asks for ice water?"
I couldn't believe it. This stupid bastard pees in the street, cuts in front of 7 people in line, pays NOTHING, and is out of Starbuck's and on his way with his conspicuous bag of...well who knows (the weird thing about 6th Ave and Broadway in the 20's is that there's lots of people walking around with opaque blue and black bags).
You know who I was most mad at? Myself. I should've shoved that stupid jerk into the truck and said "THERE IS A MCDONALD'S ACROSS THE STREET! I wonder if they have a bathroom?" Or at the very least said something in Starbuck's. I was furious with myself. Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to start standing up to jerks who think they can flaunt very basic societal laws like lines and public urination. I mean do people really want New York to turn into some miserable hell-hole like, oh, I dunno, Miami? I sure hope not.
Here are some other things I'm guessing are on this man's daily agenda:
1. Get all high, laugh at stuff.
2. Poop on street - may or may not follow peeing on street.
3. Camp out for "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. Realize it is on TV. Get all high instead.
4. Find dog. Ask it on a date. Feed it a roofie. 'nuff said.
5. Steal dog's food. Eat half, try and sell other half.
6. Listen to headphones. Wonder where I got these headphones from. Figure out I probably stole them.
7. Jones for some tacos.
8. Cut in line at taco bell. Ask for ice-water. Realize forgot to order tacos - too used to just ordering ice-water.
Anyway, I hope karma catches up to this guy in a bad way. And come next year, watch out if you start blatantly flaunting society's laws. Because I am not standing for it any more.
Labels: Franklin, Jesus, Miami Sucks, Street Pee-er
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dmbmeg|||we work in such a nice area. makes me proud Studio 302|||Hey Andy, long time reader, first time commenter.I gotta tell you, if you don't like people peeing in the street (among other things) don't go to Asia or parts of Europe. I live in South Korea, and men peeing in the street is absolutely routine here. Someone actually took a crap on the train one time. Utterly unbelievable.
ps John Mayer kicks ass!
That has been my day today.
But then iTunes did something it does only once in-a-rare-enough-while where it plays a bunch of great songs in a row. The streak doesn't seem to stop. It just keeps going. It picks exactly what you need to hear, what you want to hear, what you haven't heard in a while, what you've been missing musically. I love it.
Anyway, here's what it played for me (in order of most recent to least recent):
- Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Harry Connick Jr., Songs I Heard
- You And I Both - Jason Mraz, Waiting For My Rocket To Come
- Gravity - John Mayer, Continuum
- Uquinsil' Ubada - Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Raise Your Spirit Higher
- You Don't Know What Love Is (alternate take 16) - Bill Evans & Tony Bennett, Together Again (Remastered)
- Hip Funk - Grant Green, Complete Quartets With Sonny Clark (Disc 2),
- Straight, No Chaser - Quincy Jones and His Orchestra, Quintessence
- Off the Top (Gravity Wheel) - Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, Little Worlds (Disc 1)
Labels: iTunes, Jesus, Skate-or-Die, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||1267091172864384959|||A good day with iTunes. dmbmeg|||Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Harry Connick Jr., Songs I Heardare you kidding me?
Are "Step in Time" and "The Perfect Nanny" on your playlist as well?
Andy|||I'm guessing you've never heard this CD because, well, you're an idiot. Also because of the comment you left. Why don't you go watch some Real World? I hear Laguna Beach is on right after. Ridic!|||All the more power to you having Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious on there.There are just certain times in life when you need to hear a song like that.
Andy|||see? Jader loves me. dmbmeg|||I hope it makes you happy that you are listening to the same songs as my 5 year old neice. you can borrow my ipod later if you want. i think i have some tunes from The Little Mermaid if you really want to get down in your office.laguna beach rules.
As I was checking my Yahoo! mail today I saw the above advertisement in my inboxNaturally my first idea of emailing a jerk chicken was that Yahoo! had somehow acquired a particularly rude fowl and were trying to teach it simple internet functions and typing skills. "Amazing!" I thought to myself, "that has got to be one smart bird!" Then I wondered what people would write to a Jerk Chicken, and what exactly a chicken could do that it would be qualified as a jerk?
Look at him. Thinks he's so cool. What a jerk.
Does he sleep with the hens and not call them back? Does he eat all the corn? Peck at children? Oppress the gays and blacks? I can't be entirely sure...but of course I can always venture a guess in the form of a preposterous scenario:
(Andy is walking down the street, minding his own business, on his way...somewhere...when all of a sudden he bumps into a chicken...)
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk!
Andy: Pardon me sir-chicken! I didn't see you down there. I profusely apologize and hope you have a lovely day.
JC: Why am I here?
Andy: Jesus? Oh I see, there's some confusion. You see, Jerk Chicken abbreviates to JC. Which happen to be your initials as well.
JC: Ah, I see. Well then, carry-on, I'll just be on my merry way.
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk! Bawk bawk!
Andy: Sorry about that sir chicken. Anyway as I was saying, I'm very sorry, now if you'll ex--
Jerk Chicken: Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well, that's rude of you to say. And I'm neither gay, nor black! I merely bumped into you by accident. I didn't mea-
Jerk Chicken: Ba-kawk! Bawk bawk bawk! bawk.......bawk bawk!
Andy: Sir, if you please! There's no reason to bring mothers into this.
Jerk Chicken: Baawwwwwk! Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well screw you too you stupid bird! I have half a mind to-!
(Jerk Chicken begins pecking at Andy's feet and legs, and doing that thing where chickens don't really fly but they kind of try to, and it's pecking at Andy all the while)
Andy: God! Stop! This doesn't even hurt it's just annoying! And you smell like a barn!
Jerk Chicken: *peck*peck*peck* BA-KAWK!
Andy: Ahhh!! This chicken is such a jerk! Someone get this maltempered roost-dweller offa me!
(Tiny Skate Boarding Monkey comes skating around the corner)
Andy: *gasp* TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
(...and gets hit by a car)
Andy: awwww. DAMN YOU JERK CHICKEN! YOU KILLED TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
Jerk Chicken: Ba. Kawk.
Andy: You don't care? Well, one of these days Jerk Chicken, you will get yours...one of these days...
(flash into the future. Andy is at work checking his email when at least he sees an opportunity for revenge)
Andy: Email a Jerk Chicken! FINALLY!Dear Jerk Chicken,There, that'll teach that bastard.
Remember when you killed the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey? That was terrible. He was only trying to help. Shame on you.
Love,
Andy
Yeah, that would teach that bastard. Stupid Jerk Chicken.
Labels: dialogue, Jerk Chicken, Jesus, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||8919247188369630204|||Re: Mean Poultry Ridic!|||When you first saw that ad you thought you'd be corresponding through email with a rude chicken.When I first saw it, my initial knee-jerk reaction was that I'd be sending someone lunch over the web.
I really need to get rid of these blonde highlights.
MonkeyPants|||Tiny skateboarding monkey dead??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Why, God, why!?!?
::sobbing, raising fist to sky::
Sister Mary Lisa|||I could actually hear jerk tones in the Ba-Kawk being said. Has the chicken never heard of Turkey Jerky? He'd better watch himself.