As I was checking my Yahoo! mail today I saw the above advertisement in my inboxNaturally my first idea of emailing a jerk chicken was that Yahoo! had somehow acquired a particularly rude fowl and were trying to teach it simple internet functions and typing skills. "Amazing!" I thought to myself, "that has got to be one smart bird!" Then I wondered what people would write to a Jerk Chicken, and what exactly a chicken could do that it would be qualified as a jerk?
Look at him. Thinks he's so cool. What a jerk.
Does he sleep with the hens and not call them back? Does he eat all the corn? Peck at children? Oppress the gays and blacks? I can't be entirely sure...but of course I can always venture a guess in the form of a preposterous scenario:
(Andy is walking down the street, minding his own business, on his way...somewhere...when all of a sudden he bumps into a chicken...)
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk!
Andy: Pardon me sir-chicken! I didn't see you down there. I profusely apologize and hope you have a lovely day.
JC: Why am I here?
Andy: Jesus? Oh I see, there's some confusion. You see, Jerk Chicken abbreviates to JC. Which happen to be your initials as well.
JC: Ah, I see. Well then, carry-on, I'll just be on my merry way.
Jerk Chicken: Baw-kawk! Bawk bawk!
Andy: Sorry about that sir chicken. Anyway as I was saying, I'm very sorry, now if you'll ex--
Jerk Chicken: Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well, that's rude of you to say. And I'm neither gay, nor black! I merely bumped into you by accident. I didn't mea-
Jerk Chicken: Ba-kawk! Bawk bawk bawk! bawk.......bawk bawk!
Andy: Sir, if you please! There's no reason to bring mothers into this.
Jerk Chicken: Baawwwwwk! Bawk bawk ba-kawk!
Andy: Well screw you too you stupid bird! I have half a mind to-!
(Jerk Chicken begins pecking at Andy's feet and legs, and doing that thing where chickens don't really fly but they kind of try to, and it's pecking at Andy all the while)
Andy: God! Stop! This doesn't even hurt it's just annoying! And you smell like a barn!
Jerk Chicken: *peck*peck*peck* BA-KAWK!
Andy: Ahhh!! This chicken is such a jerk! Someone get this maltempered roost-dweller offa me!
(Tiny Skate Boarding Monkey comes skating around the corner)
Andy: *gasp* TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
(...and gets hit by a car)
Andy: awwww. DAMN YOU JERK CHICKEN! YOU KILLED TINY SKATEBOARDING MONKEY!
Jerk Chicken: Ba. Kawk.
Andy: You don't care? Well, one of these days Jerk Chicken, you will get yours...one of these days...
(flash into the future. Andy is at work checking his email when at least he sees an opportunity for revenge)
Andy: Email a Jerk Chicken! FINALLY!Dear Jerk Chicken,There, that'll teach that bastard.
Remember when you killed the Tiny Skateboarding Monkey? That was terrible. He was only trying to help. Shame on you.
Love,
Andy
Yeah, that would teach that bastard. Stupid Jerk Chicken.
Labels: dialogue, Jerk Chicken, Jesus, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||8919247188369630204|||Re: Mean Poultry
Ridic!|||When you first saw that ad you thought you'd be corresponding through email with a rude chicken.When I first saw it, my initial knee-jerk reaction was that I'd be sending someone lunch over the web.
I really need to get rid of these blonde highlights.
MonkeyPants|||Tiny skateboarding monkey dead??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Why, God, why!?!?
::sobbing, raising fist to sky::
Sister Mary Lisa|||I could actually hear jerk tones in the Ba-Kawk being said. Has the chicken never heard of Turkey Jerky? He'd better watch himself.
You see at first I wanted to go as something utterly stupid. Like a pillow. A box. A bottle of water. Something that people would see and say "that is the dumbest costume ever." The problem is, it'd actually be pretty hard to do that. Next I decided I was going to just cover my face with red blush, and spritz myself with water and go as "The hottest man alive." Get it? It's like a play on words. Am I physically hot? Or am I...physically...hot...what? Well at any rate, I canned that idea.
Then I started to think about vampires because one of my friends said "oh just go as a vampire." I realized you never see a fat vampire. We're talking about a creature that sleeps all day and does nothing but eat and live for eternity. I imagine a vampire who was skinny wouldn't be the norm. Then I thought about the great back story I could provide:
Person: Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?
Andy: (showing fangs) I'm a fat vampire. Duh.
Person: Why a fat vampire?
Andy: Because I have a slow metabolism.
Person: Really?
Andy: Yes. And that causes me to gain weight. I'm also at a high risk for diabetes.
Person: Why don't you just suck some blood to replace your blood.
Andy: First of all, I eat the blood, I don't transfuse it into my veins. Also, how could I possibly be fast enough to catch someone to suck their blood? I'm fat.
Person: Can't you turn into a bat?
Andy: Yeah.
Person: So why don-
Andy: A fat bat. Have you ever seen a fat bat? No way I'd even be able to think about lifting off. You don't know anything about fat vampires do you?
Person: No I don't.
Andy: Well, you need to go to the library and get a book or something. Noserfatu. And that's not a typo.
Person: Typo? We're talking.
Andy: Shut it. Or I will bite you and eat your brains.
Person: That's a zombie.
Andy: A fat zombie.
Person: What?
Andy: Vampire.
Person: I'm leaving.
Andy: Have a nice trip!
Person: But I didn't tri--
Andy: (puts his leg out and pushes Person so they trip) See ya next fall, jerk!
I know, that dialogue went absolutely nowhere. But anyway. A fat vampire. I hope everyone has a great All Hallow's Eve. Make sure to have your parents inspect all your candy before you eat it. Now cram it!
Labels: dialogue, fat vampire, vampire
|||2653823300755081231|||My Costume SuperBee|||I'm going as Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, I'm going to look like Martin in a Toga... where he strums his lyre, and then gets beaten up.
Only I'll have lots of grapes. Not a lyre. And I'll have a golden wreath of leaves and ivy to place atop my crown.
Why are all my costumes so goddamn gay?! Every. Fucking. Year. Gay! Gay! Gay!
Sister Mary Lisa|||I love your fat vampire idea. It'd be funny if you carried around a Twinkie with red creme in the middle, or a raspberry jelly-filled donut or something and you can keep sticking your fake fangs into it all night. Nice conversation you listed too.My husband almost decided to wrap himself in pink cellophane to go as "eye candy."
Instead now he's going in regular clothes, only occasionally he'll pull the hidden string that makes his chest pocket fall down to reveal his naked, hairy breast with silver star-shaped pasty on his nipple. He's going to be a Wardrobe Malfunction.
Andy|||Bee - I have no idea why your costume ideas would be so gay. None at all. Just give in and go as one of the village people.SML - I like eye-candy better. I was thinking I would get a hot dog and maybe squirt some mustard on my shirt. Fat people like hot dogs.
|||I agree that fat people love hot dogs. Squirt ketchup on your shirt though, people could ask, "Oh, is that blood on your shirt because you are a vampire?" "No, it is ketchup. I freaking love hot dogs." Janet|||You will have the security of knowing that no one else in this entire city will have the same costume as you. Unless, of course, they can't help but be fat...
(But they are usually the ones staying at home, watching Psycho and eating orange ding dongs. You never see them buying costumes.)
Yes, I am going to hell. Happy Halloween.
I sit across the room from my boss and I could hear this dude through the phone's handset. I was like "Hey! I recognize that voice!" I immediately IMed Erik because I know he takes great delight in stupid crap like this.
"You know that black droid that the Empire sends to scout Hoth in Star Wars, Episode 5, the Empire Strikes Back?"
"yeah."
"I think he's on the phone with my boss!"
"Oh wow. He's got a job in music?"
"Yeah, apparently."
"He's got all those extra arms, great for multiple synths."
"He'd also make a great engineer."
You know which droid I'm talking about right? The one that sounds like it's saying "nerdsinthesystem.nerdsonalert." through a stoma voicebox over and over again? Oh, oh, you want me to put a picture up? Oh, because you don't get it? Well that's FINE! That's just GREAT! Here it is, simpleton:
Since we'd already given this thing an occupation, and had a face for it, the next step was to involve it in some ridiculous scenario. That scenario begins....NOW!....wait, wait...NOW! no no, wait, wait....NOW!
Guy at Work: Hey, Probe Droid, go get me a coffee! This one's cold!
Probe Droid: My name is Lawrence! I have feelings you know! Gosh!
GAW: Are you going to get my coffee or what? I am very busy!
PD: And I'm not busy?! You can't boss me aroun-
GAW: Look, just, go. Get. The coffee. I can't take your back-talk today!
PD: FINE! This isn't even part of my job you know?! I am a complex machine capable of performing highly difficult tasks and operations all at once, and I don't need you demeaning me!
GAW: I don't know why-
PD: (in a harsh whisper) Ever since we slept together you've been treating me terribly at work! Well I've had it! You can get your OWN coffee from now on! (PD takes the coffee and mechanically dumps it on the ground, then drops the cup. This isn't very dramatic as it's actions are fairly slow due to it's innate roboticism...and faggyness)
GAW: (matching his tone) I told you from the start it was just a one night thing! I don't know where you crafted these fanciful, romantic ideas of yours! You're certainly not programmed for THAT!
PD: Well, after today? All the others around the office will know what you're not programmed for!
GAW: Hey!
PD: That's right buster! (PD turns and turns to float out of the room) Nerdsinthesystem.Nerdsonalert.
GAW: *sigh* Probe Dr-I mean, Lawrence. Wait.
PD: (slowly turns around, leaking a single, robo-tear) Yes?
GAW: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...in fact I wasn't even sure you had feelings at all, because you're a ro-
PD: DON'T YOU SAY IT! DON'T YOU CALL ME A ROBOT! I love you Ted. I...Love you.
GAW: I Love you too.
(They embrace. The end.)
That's pretty much how I imagine it would go if a probe droid was able to find work somewhere. It would be gay, and fall in love. You know...because its a probe droid.
Labels: dialogue, probe droid, star wars
|||3650632970591328687|||Probe Droid Sister Mary Lisa|||I enjoyed your creativity here. I could actually hear his droid voice and feel his droid feelings being hurt. :)
Today I didn't feel like suffering 3rd degree burns was a good solution to the chill in the air so I instead ordered my coffee like any normal human being - by mumbling at an incoherent teller who looks less excited than a coma patient on sleeping pills.
Starbuck's always forgets my order. Always. I'm not sure I've ever been to one where I haven't been waiting a few minutes only to be asked "What are you waiting for sir?" But I'm used to it, I cope, I'm a pretty laid-back guy so it never really bothers me. In fact, it makes me laugh.
Anyway, this morning I got my coffee and took it over to the fixin's bar to throw in some cinnamon and sugar, when all of a sudden a man burst over next to me, touting the disposition of an angry troll and a haircut that...well, let's just say that Boris no doubt had his way with this man's head.
Troll man takes the lid off of his coffee to put stuff in it and is immediately outraged at what appears to be a very normal looking cup of coffee. "How the hell am I supposed to drink this!!" he shouts, dumps the coffee into the trash and then spikes the cup in after it. He then stormed over to the counter to belittle the poor employee who merely did her job.
I stood there laughing at the guy and thought "That poor bastard just allowed his entire day to be ruined by a cup of coffee." Lately, I've been laughing a lot more. I used to get fired up about stuff or mad or upset, now I just laugh at things. And the more I do it, the more I realize how stupid it is to get angry or stressed about stuff - especially something as small as a $4 cup of joe.
Of course, then I imagined what it would be like if I were to answer his rhetorically idiotic question:
(Andy is at the fixins bar, the troll man comes up, sets his coffee down, and removes the lid...)
Troll: How the hell am I supposed to drink this?!
Andy: Oh here, let me help you. (Andy takes the cup of coffee from the man and holds it up to his mouth, holding his other hand under the man's chin). Now, when I say "drink," you open your mouth and I'll dump this coffee in there. Then you're going to need to swallow.
Troll: ...You're joking righ-
Andy: DRINK!
(Andy begins pouring coffe into Troll's mouth as he's speaking. The man sputters a bit as the coffee is obviously quite hot. The Troll knocks Andy's hand away, spilling the coffee everywhere.)
Andy: Aw, you spilled the coffee everywhere!
Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Andy: Well, I'm not sure. But among my many flaws is the fact that I never catch on to rhetoric.
Troll: You practically burned my face off!
Andy: I love that movie.
Troll: Really? I thought it was okay. Not Travolta's best work. But Cage shines, I'll give you that.
Andy: Oh really? Because I'd say it's the other way around. Question: If you had to pick someone's face to trade with, who would you pick?
Troll: Scott Baio!
Andy: Wow, you didn't even have to stop and think about that did you?
Troll: Why would I?
Andy: I'm not sure. Probably because you fantasize about him...you know, sexually.
Troll: I keep forgetting you don't understand rhetoric.
Andy: What?
Troll: Rhetoric.
Andy: I don't understand rhetoric. If I had to change my face, I would change it to a monkey-face. I wouldn't have to worry about a Halloween costume, and then I could potentially shrink myself and learn to skateboard.
Troll: ...ok...
Andy: Well I'm going to be late for work. Good luck with your coffee. If you need imbibition help in the future, please do let me know.
I bet I would've easily saved that guy a good 15 blood pressure points. Oh well. Whoever you are troll-man, I hope you didn't let that coffee ruin your day. Good luck.
Labels: coffee, dialogue, starbucks, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||1689808315241850373|||The Daily Grind MonkeyPants|||Monkey on a skateboard!!! In my pants! Yay!!!!!BEARS WIN!!!!!!!!!!
Everywhere I go it seems some girl I know can't wait to watch Grey's Anatomy or put up a quote from it in her away message. When The Office ended and Deal or No Deal came on I quickly reached for the remote so my exposure to Howie Mandel's shiny head and unpolished humor would be minimal. I started looking for one of the seemingly many new dramas on TV: Heroes, The Nine, Studio 60, then I quickly realized none of them were on. However, as I was flipping I recognized Grey's Anatomy and thought "What the hell? I've had two beers."
I'm not sure how exactly to describe my feelings toward the show. First of all, I found it utterly useless that it takes place in a hospital. They could easily transfer all these "doctors" to work at a Gap in a mall and they'd accomplish just about the same amount of doctoring as they do in the hospital.
Second, Most of the dialogues were women either trying to figure men out, figure themselves out, or just whining about things in general. The (I'm guessing) main character (chick from Old School) was all upset because she couldn't choose between one of two men and she was a surgical intern so she wanted to be wooed properly because she didn't have a lot of time to get it right. Ugh. If I wanted to listen to women complain about things I don't care about, I would answer my cell phone when Erik calls.
Also, the guys on the show are totally ridiculous. One of the dudes couldn't tell his girlfriend he didn't want to move in with her. Please. If I had a girlfriend (and I imagine after writing this post I never will again) who asked me to move in and I didn't want to, there would be nothing stopping me from making the "slcchhh" face, telling her no, and then turning on football.
If I was one of those Irish dudes what's-her-face is trying to date, I would split faster than a horny gymnast. I mean those guys are getting completely played. I'm not sure that Robin is a doctor, but I know the other guy is. If I were to give him advice it'd go something like this:
Andy: Hey dude, what's up?
Doc: Hey Andy, I'm sad.
Andy: Oh, why's that?
Doc: This girl I like is seeing another guy, and I don't know what to do?
Andy: Man, your hair is making you a co-star!
Doc: Huh?
Andy: Seriously. Do you have a team of people work on it in the mornings? I am the last person to know anything about style or fashion - but that hair is just remarkable. Is it real?
Doc: Well...yeah, but we can talk about my-
Andy: Look at it! It's like someone froze the ocean and painted it glossy, jet black!
Doc: Ugh. Can you please-
Andy: If I were a tiny monkey I would buy a skateboard and make your hair my own personal skate park. I'd be the tiniest skating monkey ever! People would come from miles around and say "hey! Look at that tiny monkey skate!" I could charge admission!
Doc: Are we going to talk about my girl problems?
Andy: Your what? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I swear your hair just waved at me and blew me a kiss.
Doc: I'm having girl problems!
Andy: Oh right. Dump her. You're a doctor you moron. Take your hair and go pick up whoever you want. Duh.
Sorry ladies. I know the majority of you love this show, but I just didn't get it. Then again, my dream is to be a tiny, skate-boarding monkey. So what do I know?
Labels: dialogue, Grey's Anatomy, tiny skateboarding monkey
|||116015378798491913|||Grey's Lobotomy MonkeyPants|||You're fired.I'm hiring the tiny skating monkey instead.
|||grey's is like crack. most guys i know shrugged it off at first, but have now since grown vaginas and love it.and glad to see someone else caught that meredith was the chick from old school.
dmbmeg|||the above comment was mine. sorry for being temporarily anonymous Ridic!|||"I would split faster than a horny gymnast." Can I please steal this phrase? I promise to over-use it and run it into the ground.
SuperBee|||Andrew. I've got my "serious voice" on.
Be nice to Grey's Anatomy. As it displayed my fantasy on TV -- being in a bed with both Patrick Dempsey and Chris O'Donnell.
The Eleventh Commandment (one of the ones that Mel Brooks dropped on the Mountain) sayeth: "Thou Shalt Not Speaketh Shit About Grey's Anatomy."
While this season has BLOWN so far, at least the episode before last, they showed McSteamy in barely a towel. Now that, my friend, is a dreamboat. But you've read my blog. You know my stance on that.
Now, go play nice. Sure, the plotlines suck this year, but it's a small price to pay to be able to watch 10 minutes of O'Donnell per week. (Dempsey's mouth seems to be shrinking and it's freakin' me out.)
Andy|||mp - I already knew I was fired. Hooray for skateboarding primates!DMB - Well, I am not hooked, and will never watch it again.
Jader - *sigh* Fine. Just make sure you give me a footnote anytime you do.
Jay - You like Robin...ROBIN?!